Tuesday, 5 August 2014

1. Absolution - 6/8/2014

So this year has been pretty much the worst year of my life so far. I've had fallouts, arguments and too many tears that I'd care to admit to. I have had the hardest time dealing with all these problems and unfortunately having to face them on my own.
I initially planned to write a post about what I think a friend is/how I think one should act and compare it to how I've been treated this year, but I'm not gonna do that-it's cliche, boring and I'm quite frankly sick of saying it. Now all throughout my life I've wondered why people find it so difficult to forgive others, not many people do nasty things with malicious intent, and often I feel that hurtful actions are a result of poor judgement so what's the point of holding a grudge against someone who makes one mistake? It's stupid isn't it? I wouldn't say I'm a particularly 'forgiving person' because I don't believe there's such thing as a 'forgiving person', everyone is capable of pardoning another human being and I'd consider you pathetic (as I'm sure a lot of people would) if you hold a grudge against someone over one issue, within reason of course. Because forgiving someone is not difficult, no matter how proud you are. I'd say the difficult part of a friendship/any relationship with anyone is accepting, that after all the forgiveness, that this person you have spent time and love on is not worth any more of your compassion. This relationship that you both have isn't deserving of the effort you have put in to keep it alive, and sometimes- you need to realise that you have to stop. And that is the hardest thing anyone has to do.


Lately, I have been sternly told off by my therapist to be more honest with myself, and the first step to becoming more honest with myself is to be honest to the people around me. This is proving to be... let's say- difficult. So, baby steps it is.
I am going to start blogging more often, not for any other reason than it's allowing me to be more open with my feelings and giving me a space to channel my anger and frustration into (rather than blowing up at the nearest person). I've also found it can be so therapeutic anyway to have a place (that is not as obvious and easy to find as twitter, but still directly involved with me) that I can actually say what's on my mind without any sort of huge argument or confrontation being thrown at me. 
So here's to the first of many to come

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Epiphany II

I have recently discovered the true friends I have in my life, which admittedly has taken me far longer than it should have. I feel so very guilty about that. 
My former best friend (I say former in a nice way, she has found better friends and I don't blame her one bit!) I discovered had been miserable for so long and I didn't even notice. This sickens me, how could I overlook someone who has always been there since I met her 4/5 years ago!? 
She really is special, and I envy her so much, she is beautiful in every way and so confident even if on the inside she feels awful. Probably the most kindhearted person to ever walk the earth and yet she gets treated with little respect by others which I will do my hardest to change, because she doesn't deserve it.
I have been neglecting her, not because I don't care, but because I shamefully convinced myself that she could manage on her own and I wasn't wrong, she can, but she shouldn't have to. I should have been there, and I am going to try so hard to make it up to her even if it kills me!

Adding to this, I have also discovered that the people I have been calling 'best friends' for the past year or so are nothing of the sort. They have left me second guessing my whole life, fearing that I am in the wrong. But I'm not- I never was and I'm not letting them convince me otherwise. 
Yes, I have made mistakes in the past, but as friends they are supposed to support me (as I support them with their decisions, despite what I think). 
This is the point in which I realised that I have friends that have supported me through the decisions I have made, one of which has been my friend since nursery, but going to different high schools seperated us and we drifted apart. We are now together again and I couldn't be happier, I'd rather have a small group of friends that care than a large group who couldn't give two shits about you.

It was a difficult decision to make but I am no longer wasting my time with people who don't care. Karma will catch up eventually and when it does I can turn round and say 'I did everything I could'.